So, time for a personal blog. In exactly a year from today, I will be turning 30. At the moment, I find this a very scary prospect and I am dreading it, but why? Surely I should be excited about it? I have had a good time in my 20’s and now going into my 30’s I should be full of excitement and positivity.
So, 10th December 2016 is the date. I will be waking up on this date to the realisation that I am no longer a “twenty-something” and am in fact a ‘thirty-something”. I am hoping that on this date I will be a better person. In recent times, I have thought to myself about how I could turn things around in such a way that I will wake up on that date and actually love turning 30.
Firstly, I need to move out. I want to be coming home from work to my own place and venturing for myself, not having to worry about what other people think and also having the ability to make my own choices. I want to come home and watch what I like on TV because it would be my TV in my own place. That is the dream, but I know that this is not going to be an easy dream to reach. In order to get there, I need to deal with some financial woes and get myself into a better position to be able to cope with this. Slowly but surely, I am heading there, this past year for me was about paying off old debts and I am now in a much better position than ever. My mission for the next year is to now start saving up and then laying down a deposit on a place closer to my work, and finally have that independence that I have been craving for so long.
The next thing I wish to be doing is working on my confidence. I struggle with self-esteem issues and never really believe in myself and my capabilities. Why is this? I imagine there is a lot of reasons, but over the next year I am going to really try and work out what it is that holds me back. I am a guilty offender in being passive aggressive and being angry but holding it to myself, well this needs to be changed. If I see something as being wrong then I need to challenge it and assert myself, not be secretly resenting them for days and days because I didn’t challenge them at the time when it happened. I see this as a habit that I have got myself into, and now I need to teach myself to get out of this habit. There was a realisation recently when I actually did challenge something there and then which normally I would just brush off and I felt so much better for it, like it was such a difference. The issue got sorted, there was no animosity and I also got my point across. Why am I so afraid of sticking up for myself? Well, I will get to the bottom of that, whatever it takes, and will teach myself to value my person a bit better.
You will notice as I carry on that all of the things I am targeting are all linked, and there has to be an ignition in one thing to get everything going. I am at an age now where not only do I understand my flaws but know how to go about improving on them, so now it’s a case of putting things into practise.
The next thing I aim to be better at, a year from now, is the ability to socialise better. I am a shy person, mainly because of my confidence, but people view this as rudeness. It is just, sadly, me and how I am, or how I was. I have made it my mission to interact more with strangers, we are all human beings, we are all living our lives and we come into contact with different people on a daily basis, so why not make the most of that? I was so brave the other day at the Madonna gig (which I will be writing about at the end of the month) and I actually struck up a conversation with a stranger. The stranger in question was sitting next to me, was a young girl, probably early-twenties and was with a couple of friends. I asked her, half-way through the show in an interlude section, how she was finding the show, and she said she was “loving it!” in no uncertain terms. We then discussed the last song that Madonna had performed and her costume, and how she could pretty much pull anything off. The conversation, as trivial as it sounds, was very short and sweet but that is all it needed to be. I felt so much better for actually talking to someone and sharing that moment, and the fact that a conversation of some description had burst into life made me feel so much better. It is going to take practise, as with everything, but I aim to do more of this, setting up little challenges here and there. I think the next thing I will do is talk to a stranger at my gym, usually I go and I am in my own little world, but at some point soon I am going to try the same tactic, see how I get on. I have always been scared of rejection, and maybe some people won’t want to talk, but it will be good for me to see that rejection for what it is, not an attack at me, but just simply they do not want to talk. I am going to make a point of seeing my friends more next year and going out, I have already been told by a certain friend that we will be going here, there and everywhere next year. I shall just nod along and let my arm be pulled.
The other thing that I am going to do, and I have started it today, with you guys, is to talk more about how I am feeling and write more blogs, or opinions on things on my social accounts. So many times I have not written my thoughts on things, because I would be worried somebody who didn’t like what I had said or dis-agreed with it would bite back in a harsh way. I don’t like to offend, but sometimes things happen in the world which you can’t not react to. I am sick of hearing other people’s opinions which I harshly disagree with, but then I wouldn’t challenge that or say what I thought in return, coming back to that whole passive aggressiveness behaviour again. I am me, you either accept me or you don’t. If you don’t accept me, well that’s life and I can certainly say that I probably wouldn’t accept you either. Everybody is entitled to their opinion though, whether it be right or wrong, left or right, up or down, you name it. Say what is on your mind and do not hold back.
I shouldn’t lose focus on my goals, or what I love in life. I know what I like and I will go out there and grab it with both hands. My interests have always been music, as you know, travelling the world and seeing new places be it near or far, seeing my friends, kicking back with a movie on Netflix or trying out the new technology in the world. None of that is going to change, why should it? No, what I want to do over the next year is find new interests to enjoy. I am not too old to go out there and try new things, for many years I have kinda stuck to what I know, but I realise now that this is bad. In the past year, I took up cycling again which I have thoroughly enjoyed, and have reaped the benefits from this health wise as well. So, now it is my mission to find three new things to pick up and enjoy. This is where I was hoping you could get involved, I would love to hear suggestions. I was thinking cooking, but then I am trying to lose weight, so baking may not be an option. I was thinking about taking up running again, like doing circuits and different routes, it would certainly help with my overall health again and would help me to keep focus. I enjoy taking photos but feel I could benefit from learning how to take better quality photos, and finding subjects to capture. I would love to incorporate photography as a hobby and take a course or something similar, we will see how I get on with that.
This blog may at first come across depressing and sad, I am not saying that being 30 is no bad thing, it probably isn’t at all. I reckon there will be some of you out there reading this thinking when I turned 30 it was the best time of my life etc, and it probably is, but in a way this is my turning point. This is the point in my life where I blossom into a fully fledged adult and move on from times of old. I enjoyed my childhood, my teens, my early 20’s not so much and then here I am, a 29 year old man, with a crossroads in my direction of travel, and I have to make a choice. I can either take the direction of ignorance; being 30 is any other day, carry on in my own sweet little world, not batting an eyelid to anything or I could take the direction of moving forward and using this age milestone as a chance to wipe the slate clean. I choose the latter, I want to improve on my life, make it one hell of a journey and be proud that I chose to take a stand in order to make my experiences better.
I hope you enjoyed reading this blog, in a way it felt like a lot had been lifted just writing my current feelings. I have written this in advance of my 29th birthday (which is today if you are reading now), but I imagine I will be feeling the same on that date. I have so much planned for the new year it’s crazy, but a lot to keep me occupied and to hopefully make me see that there is more to life out there.
I will be following this blog up, a year from now, it has been written in my diary and everything. I have 366 days to go (don’t forget the leap year) until the 10th December 2016. I am going to document as much as I can in that time, and I fully intend to live my life to the fullest. Join me on my journey, and thank you for reading.
Before I go, don’t forget to watch my compilation video of 2015. I have brought it forward for a couple of reasons but mainly because I am starting a new diary now, ready to be showcased next year. Here it is.